I’ve got a collection of the most hilarious attorney jokes from all corners of the internet. From clever puns to witty one-liners to snarky observations about lawyers, this article has it all.
Whether you’re a legal eagle yourself or just someone who’s had more than their fair share of run-ins with the law (and accompanying fees), these jokes are guaranteed to lift your spirits and make you chuckle. So kick back, relax, and get ready for some seriously funny stuff…because let’s face it, even though attorneys always seem to come out on top in court, they still have bills to pay like everyone else!
List of Jokes About Attorneys
1. Why did the attorney become a chef? Because they wanted to grill witnesses in court!
2. What did the attorney say to the witness on the stand? “I object! You’re giving too many “testi-lies!”
3. How does an attorney sleep? First, they lie on one side. Then, they lie on the other side!
4. Why did the attorney become a gardener? They wanted to “plant” evidence in the case!
5. Why did the attorney go broke? Because they lost their appeal!
6. How many attorney jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories!
7. Why don’t attorneys go to the beach? Because even the sand can file a lawsuit for being “grounded”!
8. What did the attorney do when a snake entered the courtroom? They raised an “objection” for a “hiss-tory”!
9. How do you know an attorney is lying? Their lips are moving!
10. What do you call a smiling attorney? Plastic!
11. How does an attorney greet someone? They say, “Have we met before in a court of law?”
12. Why don’t attorneys go to the circus? Because they’re afraid of clowns stealing their clients!
13. What’s the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more!
14. What’s the difference between an attorney and a vulture? Attorneys accumulate frequent flyer miles!
15. How do attorneys exercise? They jump to conclusions!
16. Why don’t attorneys go skydiving? They’re afraid they might “parachute” through a loophole!
17. What’s the most common question an attorney asks? “Would you like fries with that?”
18. How many attorneys does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They’d rather keep their clients in the dark!
19. What did the attorney name their yacht? “Billable Hours!”
20. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities!
21. Why did the attorney bring a ladder to court? Because they wanted to present a “higher” argument!
22. How can you tell when an attorney is lying? Their briefcase is open!
23. What do you call ten attorneys buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand!
24. What’s the difference between an attorney and a herd of elephants? The attorney has more “grey” areas!
25. What did the attorney say to the doctor? “I object! That diagnosis is inadmissible!”
26. Why did the attorney become a gardener? They wanted to specialize in “legal weeds”!
27. How do attorneys sleep at night? With a closing statement!
28. What’s the difference between an attorney and a pitbull? Lipstick!
29. Why don’t attorneys play hide-and-seek? Nobody will look for them!
30. What did one attorney say to the other attorney? “We’re both lawyers, so let’s be civil!”
31. What do you call an attorney gone bad? A senator!
32. Why did the attorney become a magician? They wanted to make evidence disappear!
33. What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 50? Your Honor!
34. How does an attorney cry? Invoices!
35. Why don’t attorneys go on vacation? They’re afraid of being subpoenaed for “sun crimes”!
36. What did the attorney say when they saw a UFO? “I object! This is an unidentifiable flying objection!”
37. How do attorneys make money? They “bill” it!
38. What’s the difference between an attorney and a herd of pigs? The attorney eventually gets dirty!
39. Why don’t attorneys go to the beach? Because they can’t stand “plea” sand!
40. What did the attorney do when their computer crashed? They sued the manufacturer for “assault” and “battery”!
41. Why did the attorney become a comedian? They wanted to appeal to a different audience!
42. How do attorneys make their tea? First, they boil the water, then they bill the tea leaves!
43. What’s the difference between an attorney and a herd of hyenas? The attorney tells more jokes!
44. Why don’t attorneys go fishing? Because they don’t want to get caught “lying”!
45. How does an attorney take their coffee? With a “deposition” of cream and a “subpoena” of sugar!
46. What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and an attorney on a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside!
47. What did the attorney do when they discovered a loophole? They widened it!
48. Why did the attorney bring a ladder to court? They wanted to climb to the “top of the legal system”!
49. How can you tell an attorney is about to lie? Their lips start moving!
50. What’s the difference between an attorney and a catfish? One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish!
51. Why did the attorney become an archaeologist? They wanted to dig up “legal precedents”!
52. How do attorneys settle their disputes? In a “court” of law!
53. What do attorneys do after they pass the bar exam? They raise it to celebrate!
54. What did the attorney say to the judge who wasn’t paying attention? “Your Honor, I rest my case… on your face!”
55. Why did the attorney bring a ladder to the courthouse? They wanted to “climb” the legal ranks!
56. What do you call an attorney who doesn’t chase ambulances? Retired!
57. Why did the attorney become a skydiver? They wanted to “briefly” experience the thrill of free fall!
58. What’s the difference between an attorney and a herd of elephants? The attorney charges more for their “tusk”!
59. What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 100? A Supreme Court Justice!
60. Why don’t attorneys go to the beach? Because they can’t pass the “bare” exam!
61. What did the attorney name their dog? Subpoena!
62. How does an attorney apologize? They say, “I plead ‘mea culpa’!”
63. What’s the difference between an attorney and a cat? One is a soulless creature known for its cunning behavior, and the other is a cat!
64. Why did the attorney bring a map to court? To object to all the “territory” claims!
65. How do attorneys make decisions? They flip a “coin” and call it “case law”!
66. What do you call an attorney who doesn’t chase ambulances? Homeless!
67. Why did the attorney become a painter? They wanted to master the art of “evidence” presentation!
68. What’s the difference between an attorney and a leech? The leech only sucks blood during business hours!
69. How do you get a group of attorneys to smile for a photo? Just say, “Fees!”
70. What did the attorney say to the car that ran over their foot? “I object! This is an ‘auto-mobile’ crime!”
71. Why did the attorney become a singer? They wanted to “harmonize” their arguments in court!
72. What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 70? Your Congressman!
73. Why don’t attorneys go to the beach? Because they don’t want to be caught “surfing” the web!
74. What’s the difference between an attorney and a herd of sheep? The attorney charges more for their “bill”!
75. Why did the attorney bring a pillow to court? They wanted to “rest their case” in comfort!
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