Hey there! Are you an Astros fanatic who needs a good laugh? Or maybe you’re just trying to impress that special someone who lives and breathes Houston baseball. Well, fear not my friends – I’ve got your back!
From mocking our rivals to hilariously highlighting our own players’ quirks, these jokes are guaranteed to have you cracking up (or at least grinning from ear-to-ear). So grab your trusty ball cap and get ready for some seriously side-splitting humor!
List of Houston Astros Jokes
1. Why did the Houston Astros bring a ladder to the game? Because they wanted to reach new “heights” in cheating!
2. Why did the Houston Astros change their name to the Houston Asterisks? Because they wanted to be more honest about their cheating!
3. Why did the Houston Astros hire a magician as their manager? To master the art of deception!
4. What do you call it when the Houston Astros win the World Series without cheating? A fairy tale!
5. Why did the Houston Astros become interested in space travel? They heard there were no cameras in outer space!
6. Why did the Houston Astros hire a plumber? They needed help with all the leaks!
7. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite board game? Cheaters of Catan!
8. Why did the Houston Astros open a car dealership? They wanted to specialize in “stealing” secondhand cars!
9. Why did the Houston Astros hire a locksmith? They needed help breaking into opposing teams’ signs!
10. What did the Houston Astros say when asked if they regretted cheating? “We only regret getting caught!”
11. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite game? Hide and Cheat!
12. Why did the Houston Astros start a theater group? They wanted to practice their acting skills for future press conferences!
13. Why did the Houston Astros become fans of the movie “Ocean’s Eleven”? They loved the idea of a team of expert cheaters!
14. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite card game? Cheater’s Poker!
15. What did the Houston Astros say when asked about their cheating strategy? “We call it ‘strategic information acquisition’!”
16. What did the Houston Astros say when asked about their favorite book? “The Art of Deception” by Kevin Mitnick!
17. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite game show? “Who Wants to Be a Cheater?”
18. What did the Houston Astros say when accused of cheating? “We prefer the term ‘competitive advantage’!”
19. Why did the Houston Astros start a yoga class? They needed to work on their “flexible” ethics.
20. What’s the Astros’ favorite team-building exercise? “Who can steal the most without getting caught?”
21. Why don’t the Astros play hide-and-seek? Because they’ve already been caught.
22. What did the Houston Astros say after they won the World Series? “Now, can someone get us a clean trophy?”
23. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite sport? Hide and steal.
24. Why did the Houston Astros start a podcast? To talk about all the things they “don’t” do on the field.
25. Why did the Astros go to the bakery? They needed some fresh “steals.”
26. What do you call an Astros fan who doesn’t like cheating? A rare breed.
27. Why don’t the Astros use GPS? Because they prefer to take the “shortcut.”
28. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite exercise? Running the bases… with a little extra help.
29. Why did the Astros switch to organic foods? They thought it would help them “grow” without cheating.
30. What do the Houston Astros do after a game? They plan their next heist.
31. Why do the Astros prefer night games? It’s easier to hide under the cover of darkness.
32. What did the Astros say after a bad call? “We weren’t stealing signs, we were just ‘reading the room!’”
33. Why did the Houston Astros start a detective agency? To solve the case of “Who’s getting caught cheating next?”
34. How do the Astros keep their batting averages high? They use a cheat sheet.
35. Why did the Astros open a flower shop? To perfect their “planting” techniques.
36. What’s the Astros’ favorite TV show? “How to Get Away with Cheating.”
37. Why did the Astros get kicked out of the library? They were caught “checking out” more than books.
38. How do the Astros stay in shape? They sprint to the next sign-stealing opportunity.
39. What do the Astros and magicians have in common? They both love to make things disappear—especially evidence.
40. Why did the Astros go to art class? To learn how to “sketch” their next winning strategy.
41. How do the Houston Astros like their coffee? With a dash of deception.
42. Why did the Astros hire a private investigator? They wanted to find the best ways to cover their tracks.
43. How did the Astros learn to cheat so well? Practice makes perfect… and also a few scandals.
44. Why did the Astros become experts in astrology? They were good at predicting “signs.”
45. How do the Astros respond to critics? “We didn’t cheat, we just saw an opportunity!”
46. What’s the Astros’ favorite board game? Monopoly, because they know how to “buy” their way to the top.
47. Why did the Houston Astros bring a ladder to the game? To “reach” new heights in their strategy.
48. Why are the Astros so good at making excuses? It’s their second-best skill after stealing signs.
49. What did the Houston Astros say to their fans after winning the World Series? “We did it… the honest way… sorta.”
50. Why do the Astros love fishing? They’re experts at “hooking” their opponents.
51. What do you call an Astros fan who’s never cheated? A unicorn.
52. Why do the Astros hate mirrors? They can’t stand seeing their reflection in the spotlight of truth.
53. What’s the Astros’ motto? “If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’ hard enough.”
54. Why did the Houston Astros open a café? To perfect their recipe for “sign-stealing scones.”
55. What do you call a Houston Astro who doesn’t steal signs? A free agent.
56. Why did the Astros hire a magician as their team mascot? They love “making” evidence disappear.
57. What did the Astros say when they won the championship? “We earned it… right after we ‘borrowed’ it.”
58. Why don’t the Astros need a GPS? They already know where to steal the signs.
59. Why did the Astros hire a mime? To help them perfect the art of silent cheating.
60. What do the Astros call their gym? The “Sign-Stealer’s Strength Training Center.”
61. Why did the Astros start a landscaping business? They wanted to learn how to “cover up” mistakes.
62. What did the Astros do when they realized they were caught? They started a new strategy: Denial.
63. How do the Astros get ahead? They take every shortcut they can find… including on the field.
64. Why did the Astros start wearing capes? They’re now superheroes in the world of cheating.
65. What did the Astros say to the umpire? “Can we replay that? We missed the sign.”
66. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite holiday? April Fool’s Day—they love playing tricks!
67. How do you spot a Houston Astros fan at a game? They’re the one with a sign that says “I saw nothing.”
68. What’s the Astros’ favorite tool? A magnifying glass—they’re always looking for ways to magnify their advantage.
69. What did the Astros say after being caught stealing signs? “It’s not cheating—it’s innovation.”
70. Why don’t the Astros use social media? They prefer to “tweet” only when no one’s looking.
71. What do the Astros do in their free time? Take notes on how to avoid getting caught next season.
72. Why did the Astros start a consulting firm? They’re experts in “business ethics”—just don’t ask how they got the answers.
73. What do the Houston Astros say when they win without cheating? “It’s a miracle!”
74. Why did the Houston Astros open a magic shop? To teach other teams how to make their integrity disappear.
75. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite season? Spring training—when the signs are freshest.
