Hey there! Are you an Astros fanatic who needs a good laugh? Or maybe you’re just trying to impress that special someone who lives and breathes Houston baseball. Well, fear not my friends – I’ve got your back!
From mocking our rivals to hilariously highlighting our own players’ quirks, these jokes are guaranteed to have you cracking up (or at least grinning from ear-to-ear). So grab your trusty ball cap and get ready for some seriously side-splitting humor!
List of Houston Astros Jokes
1. Why did the Houston Astros bring a ladder to the game? Because they wanted to reach new “heights” in cheating!
2. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite song? “Caught Red Handed” by The Rolling Stones!
3. Why did the Houston Astros open a bakery? Because they wanted to “bake” their own baseballs!
4. What do you call an Astros fan with half a brain? Gifted!
5. Why did the Houston Astros plant flowers in the outfield? So they could “blossom” as cheaters!
6. What’s the difference between the Houston Astros and a bunch of toddlers? Toddlers eventually learn not to cheat!
7. Why did the Houston Astros change their name to the Houston Asterisks? Because they wanted to be more honest about their cheating!
8. How do the Houston Astros stay warm during the offseason? They stand near the hot stove, stealing signs!
9. What did the Houston Astros say to the pitcher they were stealing signs from? “You’re our favorite broadcaster!”
10. Why did the Houston Astros hire a magician as their manager? To master the art of deception!
11. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite breakfast cereal? Cheaterios!
12. Why did the Houston Astros start a cooking show? Because they’re experts at stealing bases!
13. What do you call it when the Houston Astros win the World Series without cheating? A fairy tale!
14. Why did the Houston Astros ban mirrors in their clubhouse? Because they couldn’t stand to see reflection of their cheating ways!
15. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite emoji? The winking face!
16. Why did the Houston Astros become interested in space travel? They heard there were no cameras in outer space!
17. How do the Houston Astros keep their uniforms wrinkle-free? They cheat the iron!
18. What did the Houston Astros say when asked about their cheating scandal? “We’re just Astros-nomical!”
19. Why did the Houston Astros switch to an organic diet? Because they thought it would help them steal “naturally”!
20. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite exercise? Sign-stepping!
21. Why did the Houston Astros hire a plumber? They needed help with all the leaks!
22. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite type of dog? The “cheat-ski” retriever!
23. Why did the Houston Astros start a detective agency? To investigate how to cheat better!
24. What did the Houston Astros say to the umpire after a close call? “Can we see the replay before you make the call?”
25. Why did the Houston Astros become fans of the band “The Police”? They loved the song “Every Cheat You Take”!
26. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite dessert? Cream “stealing” pie!
27. Why did the Houston Astros become interested in art? They heard a picture is worth a thousand stolen signs!
28. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite board game? Cheaters of Catan!
29. Why did the Houston Astros become obsessed with gardening? They wanted to learn how to “plant” evidence!
30. What did the Houston Astros say when caught stealing signs? “You caught us red-handed, but can we still keep the trophy?”
31. Why did the Houston Astros open a car dealership? They wanted to specialize in “stealing” secondhand cars!
32. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite type of shoe? Loafers, because they’re experts at loafing around bases!
33. Why did the Houston Astros start a fashion line? They wanted to design the best “hidden” uniforms!
34. What do you call an Astros fan with a conscience? Nonexistent!
35. Why did the Houston Astros hire a locksmith? They needed help breaking into opposing teams’ signs!
36. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite movie? “The Usual Suspects”!
37. Why did the Houston Astros become fans of Houdini? They admired his ability to make things disappear!
38. What did the Houston Astros say when asked if they regretted cheating? “We only regret getting caught!”
39. Why did the Houston Astros become obsessed with fishing? They wanted to learn the art of “hooking” signs!
40. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite dance move? The “Steal Slide”!
41. Why did the Houston Astros become interested in magic tricks? They wanted to learn how to make championships appear out of thin air!
42. What do you call an Astros fan who doesn’t cheat? A unicorn!
43. Why did the Houston Astros start a landscaping business? They wanted to perfect the art of “fielding”!
44. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite game? Hide and Cheat!
45. Why did the Houston Astros start a book club? They wanted to learn new ways to “steal” stories!
46. What did the Houston Astros say when accused of cheating? “We’re just ahead of the curve!”
47. Why did the Houston Astros start a theater group? They wanted to practice their acting skills for future press conferences!
48. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite vegetable? The arti-“choke”!
49. Why did the Houston Astros become fans of the movie “Ocean’s Eleven”? They loved the idea of a team of expert cheaters!
50. What did the Houston Astros say to the other teams in their division? “We’re always one step ahead!”
51. Why did the Houston Astros become interested in cooking shows? They wanted to learn new ways to “steal” recipes!
52. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite type of weather? Cloudy, so their cheating can’t be seen!
53. Why did the Houston Astros start a comedy club? They needed a place to practice their “steal”-lar jokes!
54. What do you call an Astros fan who doesn’t cheat? A “rarity”!
55. Why did the Houston Astros open a gym? They wanted to specialize in “weightlifting” championships!
56. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite card game? Cheater’s Poker!
57. Why did the Houston Astros become fans of “Mission: Impossible”? They admired the dedication to accomplishing impossible missions, like winning without cheating!
58. What did the Houston Astros say when asked about their cheating strategy? “We call it ‘strategic information acquisition’!”
59. Why did the Houston Astros start a construction company? They wanted to build the best “stealing” signs!
60. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite type of cheese? Swiss, because it has lots of holes for hiding!
61. Why did the Houston Astros become interested in camouflage? They wanted to learn how to blend in with their cheating!
62. What did the Houston Astros say when asked about their favorite book? “The Art of Deception” by Kevin Mitnick!
63. Why did the Houston Astros start a band? They wanted to perfect their “stealing” harmonies!
64. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite game show? “Who Wants to Be a Cheater?”
65. Why did the Houston Astros become fans of “Inception”? They loved the idea of planting ideas in people’s minds!
66. What did the Houston Astros say when accused of cheating? “We prefer the term ‘competitive advantage’!”
67. Why did the Houston Astros open a detective agency? They wanted to learn how to better cover their tracks!
68. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite type of pasta? Spaghetti, because they’re experts at “noodling” their way to victory!
69. Why did the Houston Astros start a fortune-telling business? They wanted to predict when they would get caught!
70. What did the Houston Astros say when asked about their favorite TV show? “How to Get Away with Cheating!”
71. Why did the Houston Astros become interested in puzzles? They wanted to figure out new ways to cheat without getting caught!
72. What’s the Houston Astros’ favorite fruit? The “steal”berry!
73. Why did the Houston Astros open a bakery? They wanted to specialize in “stealing” bases!
74. What did the Houston Astros say when asked about their favorite animal? “The chameleon, because it knows how to blend in!”
75. Why did the Houston Astros start a circus? They wanted to show off their amazing feats of deception!
